


Til it Hurts

by sonictrowel



Series: Long Night in the Blue House [44]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Episode: 2016 Xmas The Return of Doctor Mysterio, Episode: s10e06 Extremis, F/M, Family, Flash Forward, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 10:43:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10989297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonictrowel/pseuds/sonictrowel
Summary: The Doctor landed in London, not long after he’d last left there.  Saturday, early June, unusually sunny, the city bustling with activity.  It was surreal to be back.  He didn’t quite know what to do with himself.  Because for a while, he'd just been himself.  He'd been his true name, without any of the bluster and pretence; he'd been Darling and Sweetie and for a precious few years, Daddy.  His hearts constricted painfully and he fumbled at his collar, suddenly feeling like there wasn't enough air.  Being the Doctor, the sad man in the box, alone… he’d been well and truly done with that.  Earth used to make him feel better.  Now it was all painful memories.





	Til it Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> Now after Extremis we know I got the bit about how Nardole ended up going with the Doctor wrong (though frankly, it seems to me to contradict the dialogue in Dr. Mysterio, because they were already together, not guarding a vault, and Nardole said the Doctor had him around so he wouldn’t be lonely… but I digress!) Anyway, imagine River still told Nardole the same, but he tagged along with the Doctor right away. :)

[Calderon Delta, 5102]

Leaving Milly’s was shit.  The Doctor knew he had responsibilities to fulfill, timelines to maintain, a future to make happen.  He wouldn’t accomplish that by hanging about here forever out of sequence.  It was the same reason he and River had never been able stay together for too long before Darillium.  If they did, they wouldn’t see each other when they were meant to.  They had to keep moving, to fill those diary pages with the adventures scattered across their mixed-up lives, or it would all be undone.   

It was still shit.

For a brief glimpse, he’d had a life with his family.  And now _they_ were scattered over space and time, torn apart, for god knew how long. 

Letting River and Athena go had nearly killed him.  And he knew River felt every bit as hopeless and alone as he did.  She’d be trying to pick up the pieces and carry on living a life she’d left twenty-four years ago; without him, without their little girl, without knowing how or when or where she’d meet her impending death, or how long it would be before she saw any of them again.

Yet even so, he knew she’d gone on to save the universe— not to mention his hopeless arse— half a dozen times, long before he had a clue who she was.  She was so much stronger and braver and better than him.  He had to do this, had to keep moving, had to be brave.  And he had to leave Milly, so that one day she would be born.

On the morning they were set to depart from Calderon Delta, the Doctor watched the sun rise over the water from the balcony of Milly’s flat.  He hadn’t slept.  He sat back in one of her little iron bistro chairs with Vincent curled up in his lap, idly scratching him behind the ears as the sky shifted from pale gold to broad streaks of purples and pinks and oranges.

He heard the sliding door open behind him, and Milly came out in her dressing gown and slippers, taking a seat in the opposite chair.  He smiled at her, though he had trouble mustering it.

“Headed out today, huh?” she asked.

“I hate to go,” the Doctor sighed, averting his eyes to watch the sea and sky again.  “After everything, the last thing I want to do is leave you, Mils.”  He lapsed into silence and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat.  “I think after this... I’ll be alone for a long time.”

“Dad, _please,_ don’t do that.  Mum won’t want that.  You’re rubbish alone.”

The Doctor huffed in bitter amusement and slouched forward in his seat, head in his hand.  Vincent, offended by the motion, quickly abandoned his lap and jumped into Milly’s instead.

“That’s the trouble,” he muttered, his voice sounding irritatingly rough despite his best efforts.  “I’ll still be rubbish.  I’ve replaced friends.  Of course I never thought of it that way— they all meant so much to me, but… that’s what it was, really.  They came and went and it hurt like hell but I always knew that’s how it would be, in the end.  They were human.  They were my best friends, but they weren’t… well, no.  Your grandparents were.”  He swallowed.  “Family.”  

His throat tightened painfully as the thoughts he’d been trying to keep suppressed since they left Darillium forced themselves to the forefront of his mind.  Somewhere locked in space and time, safe, but out of reach, perhaps forever…  His chest burned and he shook his head.   _No._  No thinking about it.  He’d figure it out eventually, but thinking about it now wouldn’t help.

He looked back up at Milly, trying again to muster a smile, though he knew it was only a poor imitation.  “I won’t be good for anyone else.  I’ll only resent them because they’re not your mum or you or your sister.”  His voice cracked.

“You’ve got Nardole,” she offered gently.

"Pff," he scoffed.  “I’m afraid the resentment’s already begun.”

“Oh, go easy on him,” she said with an amused smile.  “He means well.”

The Doctor grunted noncommittally.  He saw Milly watching him out of the corner of his eye as he studied the floor.

“Why don’t we pop off to town one more time before you go?” she asked finally.  “Get some breakfast?  You have to admit now, the coffee here’s not so bad.”

“Oh, coffee’s fine on occasion,” he said with a heavy exhale, sitting back in his chair again.  “It’s when Nardole puts it in the bloody tea that I consider turfing him out into a black hole.”

Milly giggled and a bittersweet ache squeezed the Doctor’s hearts.  How had he not noticed for all those years that she had River’s laugh?

“Thanks for taking care of your daft old man,” he mumbled.  “I’m afraid I’ve been a rubbish guest, but... I really missed you.  It’s been wonderful to stay.”

“Oh, hush,” she scoffed, squirming under his gaze.  “Don’t go all gooey, I didn’t do anything.  And— you’re welcome any time.”  She scooped up Vincent from her lap and held him over her shoulder as she stood from her chair.  “I’ll go change for breakfast.”  She smirked as she turned to the door and added, “I’ll let you wake Nardole.”

 

___

 

[Earth, 2016]

 

The Doctor landed in London, not long after he’d last left there.  Saturday, early June, unusually sunny, the city bustling with activity.  It was surreal to be back.  He didn’t quite know what to do with himself.  Because for a while, he'd _just_ been himself.  He'd been his true name, without any of the bluster and pretence; he'd been Darling and Sweetie and for a precious few years, Daddy.  His hearts constricted painfully and he fumbled at his collar, suddenly feeling like there wasn't enough air.  Being the Doctor, the sad man in the box, alone… he’d been well and truly done with that.  Earth used to make him feel better.  Now it was all painful memories.

Maybe he should visit Vastra and Jenny.  But they’d already dealt with him grieving River once before.  They’d dealt with him when he was freshly regenerated into this formerly-cross old prick.  They’d supported him through so much, how could he burden them again?  He was a grownup now.  He had to keep going forward, until he got his family back again.

But he just felt so lonely and tired.

“So, Nardole,” he said gruffly as they aimlessly walked the busy London streets.  “How d’you like Earth?”

“Seems nice enough,” Nardole replied, looking about him appraisingly.  “Awful lot of people.”

“Why don’t you have a closer look?  See some sights.  Here—” he snatched a tourism brochure from the loose grip of a distracted man wearing shorts and a rucksack and instantly turned away, melting back into the throng of people.  “‘See Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Parliament and the Eye.’  Important Earth stuff!  You’d better familiarise yourself.”

“Why,” Nardole asked, grabbing the leaflet to examine it himself and scowling suspiciously.  “Are we staying here?”

“We might.  Always seem to end up on Earth in any case, so if you’re set on coming along, you’d best study up.  How else are you going to pass for human?”

“I suppose…" 

“Great!  See you later.”  The Doctor quickly turned on his heel and strode back toward the TARDIS.

“Wait, sir!”  Nardole tried to follow, but almost the instant the Doctor had turned, a line of dozens of schoolchildren in matching uniform were ushered past in single file, blocking the street.  “Where are you going?” he yelled shrilly.

“I’m an old man,” the Doctor called over his shoulder, “I’m having a nap!”

___

The air was warm and heavy under the covers.  A dim, pinkish light glowed through the fabric and cast warm shadows over soft skin; the perfect curve of her hip, the hollow of her throat, the line of the soft smile on her lips.

“Oh, River,” he sighed, pulling her down until she was pressed tight against him, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.  “I miss you _so much_ , honey.”

“Me too,” she said into his ear, before scraping her teeth over his earlobe, nipping along his jaw, sucking on his lip.  The Doctor slid his hands into her hair, pulling it back from her face, and kissed her deeply, desperately; trading hot, gasping breaths whenever their lips momentarily parted, before they crashed messily together again.

She was _home_ , embodied _._  Her warm, soft skin sliding against his, the fierce swell of love and belonging and need that he felt when he breathed in her scent, her wild curls tumbling over both their faces when he lowered his hands to her hips, like a soft curtain closing around them as they kissed almost frantically.  He moved one hand from her hip, tracing a trail over her skin with his fingertips, down past her navel, finally slipping between her thighs.  She shuddered and moaned into his mouth.

“I feel like this is cheating,” he panted suddenly.

River sat up enough to look at him and raised a threatening eyebrow.

“You were alone when you left Darillium.” He brushed a hand over her cheek, looking up into her glittering eyes.  “You didn’t get to see me in your dreams.  You had to deal with it all on your own.  It isn’t fair.”

“Maybe so,” she said, and for a moment he found it hard to read her expression.  “But I’m here now, on this goddamn hard drive, so if you want to make it up to me you’d better keep coming.”

“Don’t you mean that the other way round?” the Doctor teased hoarsely, trying to swallow back the ache in his throat.  He owed her _everything._  This wasn’t about his feelings. 

 _“Now_ you’re getting it,” River purred, her voice low and heated, and rose on her knees.

He reached up and clasped their hands together as she hovered above him, and her expression softened as she stared into his eyes.  She centred herself over him and sank down, achingly slowly.  He watched her lips part and her eyes drift shut, a flush rising in her cheeks.  The soft, wet, fluttering heat of her enveloped him and he squeezed her hands tight as a tremor spread through his body.  Only neither of them had bodies, here.  They _were_ the souls they’d shared so many times like this, mind to mind and hearts to heart.  

They writhed together in the sheets, the covers still pulled up over their heads, tucked away from everything in a perfect copy of their bed, in a perfect copy of their bedroom; comfortable and safe and at home.  But all the while they held tight to each other, desperate; more than just out of passion and longing, as if they might be swept apart if they dared to let go.

The Doctor gasped her name with every breath, _“River.”_  His hands travelled restlessly over her shoulders, her back, her waist and hips, while his lips tried to cover every inch of her face and her throat.  He couldn’t _show_ her enough, touch her enough, love her enough.  It would never, ever be enough.

“I think about you every fucking second,” he panted into her ear.  

She nodded furiously against his cheek.  

“I’m going to get you back.  I’m going to bring you back and we’ll have the girls and we’ll all be together.  I swear, River." 

“I know,” she whispered.  “I trust you, darling, always.”

“I don’t deserve you,” he said quietly.

“Oh, shut up.”  Before he could object her tongue was in his mouth as she cradled his face in her hands.  Her soft cries and shuddering moans against his lips made every molecule of his being ache with love and want.  He squeezed her tight against him, squeezed his eyes shut, until he couldn’t feel any distinction between the two of them, until they were just a single blinding light.

_Think of home.  Just picture it, feel it._

_Everything about home that you miss until you can't bear it.  Until you almost burst._

_Til it hurts._  

 

___

Eventually, they followed the breadcrumbs after those headsplitters to their office in New York.  It was something to do.  It would be easier to keep sane if he kept busy.

Saving the world again wasn’t _so_ terrible.  But seeing Grant was hard.  

Seeing Lucy’s little girl was hard.  

Seeing Manhattan was _really_ hard.

_Twenty-four years.  Of course it would be that._

But River and Milly had been right.  Grant was living his life, and the Doctor liked to think that he’d given him a sizable push into doing it less idiotically.  He was only human; he didn’t have time to waste making the Doctor’s mistakes.  He’d have a full and happy life, before the end.  Before the Doctor came to collect.

He launched them into the Vortex again, rubbing his hand over his throat as the feeling of longing threatened to choke him.  He wasn’t sure what their next destination should be, what their next step was on the way to getting River home.  All these years searching, and he still wasn’t sure what he was waiting for or preparing for; what future event would change everything and make him finally able to set her free.

Just as he was about to turn away from the console, the screen lit up with a message.

Doctor,

Your presence is urgently requested on the planet Carnathon for the completion of the execution of the Time Lord The Mistress, a.k.a. The Master.  Please report at once.

 


End file.
